Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Who am I?

Let me start this by saying that I haven't eaten breakfast, had tea, or drank water yet today. I really can't be held responsible for anything I say.

Since my fantastical comeback to the bloggerverse, I've been struggling with what my new angle will be now that I don't really see the outside world anymore. Seriously, I can count on one hand the amount of times I've been outside of my apartment in the last week. I spend my days bouncing, feeding, changing and generally pacifying the Little Bird, grabbing strange handfuls of random foods that are laying around my kitchen, and watching Criminal Minds on three different channels.

So I have a crush on Dr. Reid. So what?
Genius is hot.
Some days, I speak less than 100 words before B gets home, and the things I do say out loud are more, "LA LA LA" than actual words. When people call, I don't screen based on whether or not I want to talk to them anymore (apologies to anyone that has been screened in the last 10 years), I screen based on whether or not I think the Little Bird will scream while we are talking. I usually let everything go to voicemail, just to be safe.

She just made a sound, and I started bargaining with the universe to give me 15 more minutes of silence. It's not sounding very promising.

So I wonder, what is there to say? I am still me... I think. I still feel like myself, despite not having gotten really "dressed" in several days. I might not wash my hair on the regular like I used to, but that doesn't matter because you can't see me! Muahahaha! 

I suppose this is a question for the mommies out there: 

How do you stay at home and not get bored with the sameness of the days?
How do you spend all day worrying about your littles and not lose yourself in the process?
When do you find the balance of being a mom and still being a human, and dare I say it...
a woman?

I'm really struggling with these questions.

I don't want to become a "mom blogger", not that there's anything wrong with mom bloggers - I like a LOT of mom bloggers and did before I was a mom, but I don't feel like that's me. I would be happy to talk about my favorite cloth diapers (which honestly, I probably will, because I'm OBSESSED with my stash), my struggles with breastfeeding, and day to day cuteness that is my daughter, but I don't believe that that's all that I have to say. I don't want to give up Jackie... Jackie is really fun.

In the meantime, Little Bird is waking up, and I need to find something to eat before I can handle any more crying (she's a spirited child [I refuse to call her colicky, even if two doctors and a lactation consultant already have], so I only get brief reprieves from the shrieking). Please hand me any advice that you can. I'll take all of it.

And now, please enjoy a gummy grin...


Laura Bower said...

Jackie! I know where you are coming from. It's hard at first when you are the one at home. I did struggle for a while being a "stay home mommy." I still say, "I'm a teacher" then I get that question...where do you teach? So I go into the whole things. It's also extremely hard and hurtful when "friends and family" say "you don't work" WHAT?! Are you kidding me? You stay at home ALL day....yes it's my choice and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world but there are times when I am like "Wait Remember me? Laura?" LOL....So here is what I will tell have it extremely good because of where you can just walk out the door to the nearest café or about 3 months I was like "Ok we are going to have a daily routine like a work day" We get up, get dressed and are out of the house by 10 every do I have somewhere to be? NO BUT I need to get OUT!!!! So Thank God for Starbucks!!!!!
Hang in there! It does get easier :) xox

Missy said...

I totally know where you are coming from as well. Know this - your identity will change a bit, but you will always be you. The days stuck in the house will go away, and you will get brave and go out and take your Little with you and have a blast - just bring everything with you in a backpack. It is HARD to be a stay at home mom. For the first while my best friends were the characters in Judging Amy. I was super depressed, and it was bad all the way around. Make a schedule for yourself - a day to go to the library, a day to go to the park, a day to go to a mom's group, etc. Be sure to also schedule time to go out with friends with your hubby is home and an evening once a week for yourself. I do ballet class and then I go to a coffee place and sit there. lol. Sometimes I go out to coffee with friends, but often it's just me and apple cider and The People of Starbucks. I need that shiz now. Anyway, all the best to you. Keep finding ways to stay true to yourself. Make that sanity schedule. Take lots of pictures. Get lots of great books. DON'T FEEL GUILTY. I've found that as a homeschooling stay at home mom I feel all this mom guilt that I felt when I was working, and that's ridiculous. It's because I read all of this literature catered toward moms who don't spend an hour a day with their kids (and I WAS that mom for a few years), but I let all that guilt get to me and feel bad about going out three hours in an evening to chill. Don't let the guilt get to you. Throw anything that makes you feel shitty right in the recycling. Listen only to the peeps who resonate with you. Follow your instincts and tell everyone else to bite you. <3

Mandy said...

I hear you! It is so hard to maintain ourselves when we have littles. My advice is to remember your strengths, your skills, and your passions, and try to include them in your new life. I have an MA in literature. I don't get to read too many novels these days, but I read them out loud to my oldest when she was a baby, and I read constantly to them as well as advocate to other parents. I've read a lot about literacy and language acquisition. In other words, I've tried to meld the two lives. I like to learn, and I refuse to give that up. I just change my focus when need be.

And keep writing! You'll come up with interesting ideas being home all day. Your mind will wander. Grab hold of those insights and share them when you can. It will help you remember you are a person.

Good luck!! Oh and I prefer "passionate" to "colicky" :-)

Carrie Anne / Little Big said...

This part of parenting was tough for me. I love love love babies, and I love my own baby so hard I'd gladly punch a bear for her.

But at this age, well, I found watching her all day to be boring. I came up with this list of activities to help:

Try to leave the house at least once a day (saved my sanity), even if it's only for a walk.

Know that this stage will end. That's the blessing of it.

My kid now is leaving the toddler years behind and entering preschool-hood (sniff) and let me tell you, she is the bee's-fuckin'-knees to be with. Right around two they change and morph into someone who's super fun to play with. The time then will fly by and you can introduce some of your own tastes and activities to your child.

Some people are baby people, and they love this stage and love hanging out with their baby. Then you have people like me, who relish them when they are a bit older. Nothing wrong with that, you can be a fantastic and loving parent either way.

Hope this helps. :)

Treasure Tromp said...

I've got a big crush on Dr. Reid too :)

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