Tuesday, January 24, 2012

wisdom in wonderland...?

I feel like I'm sitting at a fork in the road, and I'm neither brave nor decisive enough to just get up, pick a path, and keep walking.

But I really, honestly, have no idea where I want to go.

At the prompting of my husband, I'm going to try to write more "about my life". When he told me he wanted me to do this, I snapped back, "Why would I want to do that? My life really sucks." I was stricken for a moment by how ugly this was coming out of my mouth, and I didn't understand where this burst of anger had come from. Was it because, in context, I felt like my writing was being unfairly judged against someone else's, far superior, writing? Yes, maybe. But the rage that I was feeling wasn't just about jealousy or annoyance. It was turned internally. I was really, really, burning angry at... myself.

Why am I angry at me? I don't know. I wish I did. I wish I could make up with myself and just move on, but I'm holding a grudge in a major way. I'm tired all the time. I'm hurt. I'm all used up. I'm tired in my soul, and I'm sick of it. I'm angry, because I'm the one that put myself here. 

Animal rescue used to be good for me. It make me feel empowered and strong - like I was really making a difference and doing some good, but I'm burned out in a way that I don't think anyone can possibly understand. I can't keep doing this. Some of you already know this, but there's a certain timeframe until I'm out. I will still do home visits for adoptable animals. I will still help to find them homes. And I will still advocate for them, but I can't let my life be consumed by this anymore. I cannot allow myself to be so vulnerable. I cannot continue to be ruled by these animals needs, and the "me me me, want want want" of the people that make me beg to adopt them. People are so horribly abusive to me [and my friends that rescue, and other rescuers beyond that, I'm sure]. It's exhausting. You have absolutely no idea how rude and careless the general public can be with someone that they view as a "service worker". I get it in my job and I get it in my volunteer work, and frankly, something needs to give before I have to be put away somewhere.

So what's the next step? Where do I go from here? I know what I don't want to do, but what is it that I do want to do?

To visit Alice in Wonderland again, the White Queen gives Alice poignant advice before she faces the jabberwocky...

Alice, you cannot live your life to please others.
The choice must be yours, because when you step out to face that creature...
you will step out alone.

 I understand that, at some point, I only have to answer to myself, because when I step out to face the "creature" - whether that be the world at large, God, or just my own conscience - I face it alone. But there has to be a balance between service and selfishness. There has to be a way to not feel like an asshole every time I make a choice that benefits me or my mental health. I'm not sure how to do it. I'm not sure how to get there.

I suppose that that's part of the journey, but I'm getting impatient with my ability to learn and adapt. I have to learn to relax and forgive myself for the choices I've made, and - maybe more than anything - not be afraid to let go of things that cause me pain.

But it's hard...
... and I'm fragile.


Anonymous said...

You are a powerful person who has been rendered powerless by your good heart. I believe, in order to regain your "spark," you just need to look within and think about what would cause you to wake up every morning with a smile on your face? If that's writing, great! If that's knowing you don't have to listen to anyone but yourself today, wonderful! Or if it's just the knowledge that your brand spankin new apartments prettier than anyone else's, that's fine too--haha. I know you have the capacity to achieve everything you want out of this life, meeks. You just need to make a plan, even if it's the smallest, easiest to achieve, babysteps. And to close, I shall reference my fave Alice quote ...I hope you heed the Queen's advice lest she cut off your head!

Alice laughed. "There's no use trying," she said: "one can't believe impossible things."
"I daresay you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."
xo meekins

M. Raffaele said...

Jackie, my mom, who is a channeler, energy healer, sometimes slightly nutty believer in all things alien, keeps telling me that we are moving from a 3rd dimensional energy into a 5th dimensional one this year. It has been happening for a few years, but now energy is speeding up, and we are being forced to release old belief systems and vibrations that are holding us back. Meaning that a lot of shit is coming up to be released, and this is not comfortable for any of us.

The idea is to look at what is coming up, ask yourself, "what am I believing to cause me to feel this way?" and then once you take a look at it, do your best to let it go, rather than fester or obsess.

It sounds as if you are simply burnt out. Maybe you are ignoring all your own needs to fulfill everyone else's and you can't give to anyone if you are depleted and have nothing left. It's hard with animals in the equation, I can only imagine how emotionally draining it is for you.

I quit my job last week. I don't have a plan in place but I've hated it since I started 10 years ago, even though it looks great on paper. It's horrendous and my inner voice had gotten so loud it was just shouting at me all day long to get out. I gave a long notice, I'll be there for a few more months, but then I have to find something else. In this economy. But after an initial panic attack, my inner voice now keeps happily saying, "Trust!" And little offers are already starting to trickle in. I'm not saying to jump without a plan, especially if you're not ready, but maybe these feelings of being fed up and frustrated are what you need to push you into your next move. If it didn't really suck you might be able to coast forever, and then you would never move to where you're supposed to be next. So if you can, listen to the crap feelings, bless them for their wisdom, and let them go, along with all of the things in your life that aren't working.

You are awesome and I know you are moving towards even more awesomeness. And every time I give Chockie ("Chunkula"--I'm sorry to tell you I've ruined him) or Albert a squeeze I'm so completely grateful that you were there for them when they needed someone, and brought them to me.

Jackie said...

It's funny that you mention your mom, Mary. I was reading some of her channels (her website saved from when you shared her thoughts once before) in an effort to sort out my feelings and maybe help me to help myself find a direction. She said something about letting go of the dumb things that hold you back and stepping forward into scary, but ultimately better and more peaceful things.

Well timed words, lady.

I'm so proud of you for walking away (in time) from a job that shakes you so much. It's so empowering to see you do it. I hope, more than anything, that you find something else that you can lend your strength and talent to that makes you happy and that you believe in. That's amazing.

I fully intend to take your advice. Take some time for me, to identify, listen to, and bless each negative thought or feeling, and let them go without worrying where they'll land.

I'm so thankful that those two flat faces found you. Best life for all <3


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